A Reflection of Twilight

My friend brought a copy of Twilight to my home, as instructed by me. A company of brave souls joined me in attempting to watch the film. We downloaded the Rifftrax to accompany the film the previous evening. Before watching the film, we went out for sandwiches to keep up our strength. The sun was setting when we put the DVD in the player and fired up the Rifftrax audio file. Allow me to establish that we watched the movie out of choice. Not all of the guests turned up, and I envy them. It is now night, and I feel my soul has been extinguished like our Sun.

I try to study the things I despise so I can back my opinions. However, I feel that studying Twilight any further then I previously had was a mistake. I did not need to waste nearly two hours of my lifetime watching awkward silences occasionally interrupted with vestigial dialogue. I would like to thank the comedic commentary of the men at Rifftrax, for it softened a heavy blow upon my sanity. I have had more fun sitting silently in a chair contemplating many things. I have been more entertained by watching the change in reflection of a slowly rotating prism. I have been more interested in learning about the supreme court cases that have influenced the Constitution. I have been more fulfilled after scratching furiously at a mosquito bite. The story was as engaging as Mindless Self Indulgence is family friendly.

There is not a lot to say about what occurred in the movie, because there was not a lot that happened in the movie. We are welcomed by the sight of a deer, and rapidly switched shots of it being chased by an invisible predator. Then, we are introduced to Isabella (Sorry, that sounds stupid. I meant Bella.) clutching a cactus. She soon stops holding the cactus like a teddy bear before going to school. There she meets the only other major characters, the Cullens. Edward's speech patterns are akin to a sick, monotone Christopher Walken, not that Bella is any better at communicating. There are hints that Edward is not human, like being able to stop a speeding vehicle in a parking lot with his hand when he was standing casually many feet away moments before. (Why a car was speeding in a parking lot we will never know.) This does not appear to set off any red flags. She looks for answers for what Ed is only after feeling his cold hand in his car. After identifying he is a vampire as fast as the police department can determine who the prime suspect of a murder is, she starts to date him. After a brush with some more “savage” vampires, Ed feels that Bella's life is threatened. This is coming from a vampire who likes to watch her sleep. (On the other hand, he thinks that sparkling skin is the “skin of a killer”.) The savage vampire with a ponytail infects her with a bite, and Ed sucks out the poison. Stephanie did not do her homework, because if it doesn't work with snake venom it won't work with vampire AIDS.

When the movie came to a close, I was not happy that it ended. While I no longer had to endure the pain, I needed revenge. And revenge is exactly what I got.

A Twilight DVD as it should be. Straight out of the microwave.